


Kagame's guide to dating

by Kagame



Series: The Color Silver [4]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, I Don't Even Know, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-01-24 01:57:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21330370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kagame/pseuds/Kagame
Summary: Kagame listing out pros and cons of dating guys in Naruto, set after time skip
Series: The Color Silver [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1031252
Comments: 16
Kudos: 34





	1. Kagame's guide to dating guys in Konoha

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Bipolarobito's post on tumblr where Kakashi did a pros and cons of dating guys

**Naruto:**

Pros: Nice, considerate, optimistic, determined, goal oriented, unintentionally funny, cute, inspiring, connects well with others, overcomes obstacles, his chakra feels like the sun

Cons: Part of the shorty squad, very open about being a pervert, poor hygiene, the whole hokage thing (I support him, but I don’t think he knows what the hokage actually does?), ramen addiction, always starts fights with Sasuke, dumb, 90% sure he can’t read, lacks manners, one of the least tactful people I have met, lacks a healthy amount of fear, the kyuubi has front row seats to everything Naruto does and I don’t know how to feel about that

**Sasuke:**

Pros: Handsome, actually cares underneath that cold exterior, he feels so warm, his chakra is like a bonfire during a starry summer night, the sharingan is really pretty looking, hair is soft

Cons: Rude, always starts fights with Naruto, blunt, obsessed with Itachi, incredibly arrogant, loves taunting other bitches, not a good conversationalist, has almost no friends outside of team seven, girls constantly fawn over him, does not respect superiors

**Shikamaru:**

Pros: Genius, always planning ahead, usually gives up quickly during arguments, but not a total pushover, doesn’t care about what people think of him, likes to watch clouds, nap time whenever, access to Nara hot springs

Cons: LAZY, kind of rude, is perhaps… _ too _smart, might hate women, his family, especially his dad, those Naras are all manipulative sons of bitches and I feel like they’re always plotting something, his chakra is like a gross syrup, there are fucking deer in the kitchen, stopped being friends with me when we were kids, never taught me how to play shogi, WHAT ARE THE FUCKING RULES TO THIS GAME SHIKAMARU!?

**Choji:**

Pros: Always has snacks, can cook really well, nice, sweet, doesn’t want to hurt anyone, discounts at akimichi restaurants, his chakra is so doughy and squishy!

Cons: the little akimichi face markings (I don’t know why, I just don’t like them), I can’t keep up with how much he eats and it makes me jealous, is a total pushover, his dad is a xenophobe

**Shino:**

Pros: Absolutely savage, will destroy you on the battlefield, incredibly loyal, thoughtful, will fuck a bitch up if they shit talk you

Cons: The way he talks, awkward silences, the buzzing, his chakra feels like I’m dissociating, and most importantly: Antfarm dickhole?!?! (Yikes)

**Kiba:**

Pros: Loyal, cares but it’s in a tsundere kind of way and it’s really sweet, Akamaru is always there, those teeth

Cons: interrupts people a lot, very loud, dogbreath, Akamaru takes up a lot of space in bed, likes to pick fights with everyone, not as arrogant as Sasuke but still pretty bad, part of the shorty squad, pees on stuff, poor hygiene, gross humor, 70% sure he can’t read, his house is deafeningly loud, swoons over pretty girls, his chakra feels like sharp edges

**Neji:**

Pros: Really pretty, the silkiest hair I have ever seen

Cons: Pisses me off, talks down to me, thinks he’s better than everyone while simultaneously hating himself, punched me in the throat during a spar once, not funny, can’t tell the difference between kiba and akamaru yet claims to be the most observant person in our age group, uses the byakugan to spy on girls in public baths, that shit he said about destiny during the chunin exams, tells long boring stories that are often times unrelated to whatever the previous conversation was, his chakra feels like chewing gravel

**Lee:**

Pros: Unbelievably fast and strong, chivalrous, those biceps, dedicated, hardworking

Cons: Stupid, annoying, bad dresser, too loud, teeth are blindingly bright, caterpillar eyebrows, basically a carbon copy of Gai, also Kakashi is definitely fucking Gai and I don’t wanna make those same mistakes, pervert, smells awful, moves on very quickly if things don't work out

**Shinichi:**

Pros: Biceps, abs, thighs, the way he moves during a fight, respects woman juice, tries his best, overcame bias against civilians, takes pride in what he does, good listener, his chakra feels like a smoothed over rock

Cons: Finds it difficult to stand up against intimidating allies, doesn’t question things enough, has never thought of himself separately from his clan until recently, neglected his studies in the academy 

**Sai:**

Pros: Super artistic, got me into art, gave me that drawing he did of me, can be sweet when he wants to be, loved his brother deeply, wants to be a real member of the team

Cons: Gives everyone rude nicknames, disingenuous, fake smiles frequently, casually remarks on other people’s genitals while in public baths, works for Danzo, his chakra feels like using paint instead of mouthwash


	2. Kagame's guide to dating girls in Konoha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's a lesbian Kagame au where she debates the pros and cons of dating Konoha kunoichi

**Ino:**

Pros: Beautiful as hell, knows what she wants, knows how to get what she wants, clever, well rounded, expanded her abilities outside her clans usual skill set, knows lots of flower meanings, has connections to all the rest of the major clans, her laugh can melt ice, her chakra feels like silk

Cons: Definitely not over her crush on Sakura, can’t surprise her with flowers because she works at the flower shop, oblivious to when others like her, very pushy, bad temper, between the hospital and the flower shop and missions you will almost never see her

**Sakura:**

Pros: Absolutely shredded, has an eight pack, tall, we're talking full on amazon woman here, will carry you on request, can pick up furniture with one hand so you don’t have to hire any movers, gets all flustered when you compliment her, stupid level of genius, how the hell did she answer ALL the questions during the chunin exams, don’t have to deal with any of that clan nonsense, her chakra feels like sleeping in a flower field

Middle: Can and will beat you up on request if you're into that kind of thing

Cons: Definitely not over her crush on Ino, worst temper of anyone in the village, cannot cook at all, her medicine pills also taste like shit, will lecture you constantly about taking better care of yourself, works long hours at the hospital

**Hinata:** ****

Pros: unbelievably kind and considerate, the only Hyuga that isn’t stuck up, gave up her position as clan heir to protect her sister, can use the byakugan to find any lost item, isn’t afraid of bugs because she works with Shino, will remove any bugs from your house for you, her clan makes the best moisturizer in the village, gives the best massages, actually enjoys doing housework

Cons: Very shy, stutters when she gets nervous, gets nervous a lot, you will have to make the first move, do not offer to pay for her meal she eats more than an Akimichi, everyone on her team is a weirdo, her team is overbearing in how protective they are of her, very difficult to get alone time with her, every date will be crashed by her team, Kiba is super jealous and will try to sabotage you, you’re relationship will end if Naruto ever realizes she has a crush on him, her chakra feels tingly like when your foot goes to sleep

**Tenten:**

Pros: One of the few people interested in sealing at all, knows which weapons will best complement your fighting style, don’t have to deal with any of that clan nonsense, easiest one to spend alone time with

Middle: Her hair is either great looking or terrible there is no inbetween

Cons: Having to interact with her team, Gai has already begun planning your wedding, she’s terrible with managing money, doesn’t remember she accidentally promised to have Lee’s child, her chakra feels like cellophane wrap


	3. Kagame's guide to dating the Akatsuki

**Deidara:**

Pros: You can do stuff with his mouth hands, so talented, can sculpt just about any animal he’s seen, loves talking about art and the qualities of other styles

Cons: Cannot be reasoned with once he’s made up his mind, will get bored of you after a week, says the relationship has lost it’s explosive spark, his chakra feels like you’ve got a bad case of the shakes

**Sasori:**

Pros: His real body is cute, he showers you with compliments, a lot of compliments, really specific compliments, maybe too many compliments… they’re starting to get kind of creepy… 

Cons: Easily irritated, cannot wait for anything, his puppets are creepy, he doesn’t have a dick, has started to talk about ‘fixing’ you, you found plans in his workshop for turning you into a puppet, his chakra feels like when you think someone is watching you

**Hidan:**

Pros: Passionate, great sense of humor, beautiful eyes, buff, fucks hard, doesn’t care if you curse, loves gossip, his chakra feels like hot breath on your neck

Cons: He has sex with other people, a lot of other people, tries to convince you to let him double team you with Kakuzu, also he’s not actually your boyfriend, he talks about his weird cult a lot, he will try to get you to join his weird cult, after seeing him survive countless fatal injuries you realize that Jashin is probably real and that’s honestly terrifying

**Kakuzu:**

Pros: He’s actually really pretty when you take off the mask, he can reach things on the top shelf, he doesn’t need to get up to grab things, can stitch up anything that’s ripped

Cons: Will not take you anywhere nice, also doesn’t pay for you, ever, says he ‘forgot’ your birthday, he was lying, his chakra feels like something crawling under your skin

**Itachi:**

Pros: Polite, humble, cooks really well, remembers small things about you, gives you gifts that reminded him of you, prefers not to fight if at all possible

Cons: Super mega ninja cancer, actually has really bad skin underneath all the layers of makeup, you’re never sure if you’re actually spending time with him or if it’s a genjutsu, you never really know where you stand with him, claims to be a pacifist yet killed his entire family anyway, his chakra feels like a stab wound

**Kisame:**

Pros: He’s blue, tall, buff, sword, teeth, thinks your chakra tastes good, knows how to keep a secret, hand holder, big cuddler, takes his time in bed 

Middle: Warns everyone he meets that he may have to kill them one day if ordered to do so

Cons: Intense stare, tells you to ‘quiet down small man’ whenever you’re upset, sadistic in his fights with enemies, doesn’t like to take things seriously, his chakra feels like sandpaper

**Konan:**

Pros: Doesn’t mess around, very upfront, level headed, a realist

Cons: Her face is not expressive at all, super quiet, worryingly loyal to Pain, her chakra feels like a storm of thousands of razor sharp edges

**Pain:**

Pros: His piercings are pretty hot, his voice is so deep and nice, he wants to change the shinobi world and make peace, his chakra is so warm

Cons: There are like 5 other guys who look and dress and sound like him, he is always surrounded by them, all of them have the same weird distortion in their chakra, you find out the guy you’re dating and his friends are actually walking corpses being controlled by some guy named Nagato who is so thin he’s basically a skeleton


	4. Reversal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I switched up on you, haha! Now it's time to see how the guys feel about Kagame!

**Sai:**

**Pros:** He called me his friend, he’s not an idiot like his teammates, has some artistic ability

**Cons: ** His footsteps echo as though there were someone right behind him, it reminds me of Beto-Beto-San, he is an idiot in different ways than his teammates, motivations are confusing, only draws cats, bugs, stars, and moons

**Kiba:**

**Pros: ** I guess he’s pretty?? For a guy anyway

**Cons: ** He’s always trying to mask his real scent with overly fruity smells, Akamaru and all the other dogs say he gives off bad vibes, his taijutsu doesn’t have enough power behind it, his ninjutsu and genjutsu are annoying in a fight, he’s too book smart, not funny, but thinks that he is, seems fake, like he’s trying to hide something all the time, I think he’s like really sick or something

**Neji:**

**Pros: ** At the very least he takes care of his hair and skin, isn’t obnoxiously loud like some people, attempts to be cordial

**Cons: ** Needs to mind his own business, appears to be very unwell, his chakra network is wrong, additional tenketsu and synapses make him quite vulnerable to genjutsu and other chakra disruption techniques, boring to fight in a taijutsu spar

**Shino:**

**Pros: ** Polite, tries not to be bothered by my insects, has a surprising knowledge on lepidoptera, attempts to keep his teammates in check

**Cons: ** His chakra killed my insects, he scored above me in academics, knocking me out of the top three in the academy, difficult to read

**Lee:**

**Pros** : A beautiful flower in the springtime of youth!!! Dedicated to his training!!! Cares deeply for his comrades!!! Willing to go above and beyond for their sake!!!

**Cons** : Deceptive appearance!!! You might believe at first glance that Kagame-kun is indeed a fair maiden!!! But you would be wrong!!! He is in fact a he!!! Do not be fooled by his appearance and voice!!! He can be rather scathing and rude!!!

**Choji:**

**Pros:** He never made fun of me in the academy, thinks everyone has something they’re good at, looks at things differently

**Cons: ** Sometimes changes in the middle of a fight and becomes really scary, says really mean things when he gets angry, barely eats anything, hides how he really feels a lot, gets mad when people worry about him, my dad doesn’t like him

**Naruto:**

**Pros: ** Really smart, tells the bastard not to be such a bastard all the time, his jutsus are so cool and pretty looking, believes I can be hokage, pays for my ramen sometimes, tries to help me with my “academic problem areas”

**Cons: ** Sometimes he sides with the bastard instead of me, can you believe that?! He’s prettier than almost all the girls and it’s not fair!! The other Kagame is really mean and scary and makes Kagame say and do stuff that he wouldn’t and I don’t like it and I know it hurts Kagame and it makes me really mad cuz I can’t do anything about it!!!!! Sometimes he lies and he’s really bad at it too, he gets really mad when things are dirty or smell bad, I’m worried about him a lot

**Sasuke:**

**Pros: ** He tries hard, not just for himself, but the sake of the team, cares about me, really cares, not just because I’m an Uchiha, but because I’m me… 

**Cons: ** He’s… complicated

**Shikamaru:**

**Pros: ** He’s different, interesting, complicated, I don’t feel like I have to constantly dumb down when talking to him, he likes watching clouds too

**Cons: ** I thought I knew him, that I had finally figured him out,… I was wrong, I’m afraid that I might not have ever been able to know him, to really know him, that there would always be another layer, another mask, hiding the real Kagame


	5. Konoha age up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An age up AU where Kagame is part of Kakashi’s generation instead.  
Inspiration for my other fic, Shine Like Silver.

**Kakashi:**

**Pros: **I have seen his real face only once, but damn was he cute, his hair actually looks nice before he wakes up and styles it, scarecrow man is tall, he willingly shares jutsus unlike the rest of these secretive ass fuckers, only when he wants to though, sometimes he looks at me and it's all intense and charged with energy, said he won't let anything happen to me, fun to banter with, Pakkun

**Cons: **I heard he murdered one of his friends back during the war so yikes, tons of emotional baggage, reads porn in public, always late, thinks he’s hot shit even though he gets chakra exhaustion on the reg, sad apartment, the whole eternal rivalry thing with Gai, I think it’s code for fuckbuddies, either way, gross, his chakra feels like static shock, Pakkun is the only one of his dogs that likes me

**Gai:**

**Pros: **Has the chiseled body of a god, seriously if you ever see him without clothes your jaw will drop, how does he even have that much muscle definition, absolutely showers people in compliments, sees the best in everyone he meets

**Cons: **Definitely has a thing for Kakashi, bad taste in clothes, that haircut, smells bad, just eww in general, LOUD, I swear he's face blind, like if I got a haircut and changed my clothes he would not recognize me, overdoes everything, cannot ask him for help without blowing everything out of proportion, his chakra feels super heavy

**Ebisu:**

**Pros: **Brought me flowers when I was in the hospital, his whole face turns red when you flirt with him, kiss him and his brain will short circuit, very obedient in the bedroom, gladly follows orders, looks so vulnerable and submissive no matter what position, aims to please

**Middle: **His chakra fluctuates a lot, one minute it's soft and wispy, the next it's rough and jagged

**Cons: **Pervert, know it all, suck up, can’t keep his brats in line, very by the book, wears those terrible sunglasses, lectures everyone on the proper behavior of a shinobi

**Genma:**

**Pros: **Handsomest man in the village I swear, soft hair, smooth operator, talented mouth, great foreplay, very relaxed and calm

**Cons: **Not in it for the long run, only has sex at his place, not into cuddling afterwards, not mutually exclusive at all, have to compete with both genders, cannot take your eyes off of him when in a bar, his chakra feels like acupuncture, I don't like acupuncture

**Asuma:**

**Pros: **Stacked, hung, the Sarutobi lands have such beautiful housing, I don’t get the whole zen garden thing, but it sure does look nice, insists on paying whenever out together, probably the most well mannered man I've met, totally unlike the rest of those clan members, always ready to help out others, his chakra feels light and refreshing, like a warm summer breeze

**Cons: **Smokes, a lot, almost never stops actually, even during sex, Lord Third saw me half naked in Asuma’s kitchen when I went to get orange juice, that whole business with the 12 ninja guardians or whatever the fuck they called themselves, it was very hard to schedule around that whole mess, like I would enjoy going out to gallivant around the capitol and greater fire country too ya know, his childhood crush Kurenai has started to show interest in him and she is terrifying


End file.
